A Place To Remember

Unlike last year when the summer reached its hottest record causing massive damages across the country. This year has probably been the tamest summer I have ever dealt with since I moved to Australia a couple of years ago. The current summer temperature is ranging only around 19 to 25 degrees making the nap time with the tip of my toes in the blanket somehow feels comfortable.

But even though it has been practically a cool summer season, but as you probably know, Australia is a huge dry continent. Summer here has never been a joke. The temperature is so fluctuating that it can reach up more than 40 degrees before you can even blink your eyes – Making the AC is the only appliance you can ever rely on during the excruciating season.

I have got one in my living room but because of the cost inefficiency I use it only when I have risen a white flag to the weather – which happens so scarcely. Other than that, there is one more efficient way to cool the body temp down, by taking a cold shower. Once I am done with my shower, I turn off the knob, take a long deep breath, and then crank that shower knob again to the coldest it can get just to jolt my willpower to start my day off immediately.

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After taking a shower, I decide to take a quick look around my old apartment on my last day before moving out. All human beings, I believe, every single of us, have in some way taken a tour around their old house just to capture a gentle mark of nostalgia in every corner before they leave. This will tailor and shape my memory back to where I just moved in eight months ago, right when the Pandemic began and hit everyone’s life at its worst when the government started to force people to stay home as a drastic measure in battling the spread of coronavirus.

It felt like I was living in heaven for the first three weeks. But then I gradually realized that living by myself in the mid of pandemic era is a big mistake. My anxiety, depression, and suffering developed rapidly. Loneliness got the better of me, but I was so helpless to the point where I almost gave up myself. To battle my depression, I often take different measures just to find a bit of happiness from this situation. I start to enjoy living an unhealthy lifestyle by letting myself exhausted in consuming alcohol and eating poor diet choices just for the sake of finding a bit of happiness from them. I hurt my body too much with all sorts of toxic substances. I was sick… a lot. I gain more and more weight uncontrollably, but moreover..

I feel so lonely.

The more I spend time alone, the more i got dragged into total depression. It’s only until two months ago I finally had a courage to lift up myself from a pile of rubbles and support myself to be better physically and mentally. It was so significant that I decide to adopt what is called a healthy lifestyle – one kind of lifestyle that I always thought was a big turd of bullshit before, but now to be the only one that will assist me in achieving my total wellbeing. This is the first time that I finally have a full grasp and responsibility for my life. To own, to embrace, to choose, and to accept that whatever happened in my life was on me. I would not hide behind the cozy blanket of relinquished responsibility any longer. I would not let my social anxiety overrule my mind anymore.

In order to do so, I began visiting different gatherings from a site called meetup – an online site used to organize online groups that host in-person and virtual events for people with similar interests.

Through attending different gatherings, I was blessed to be able to meet impressive people from different backgrounds in the meeting, where i could tie in different conversation with strangers through sharing the similar topics of interest we paired with each other without feeling akward. The conversations were quite engaging and fun. But, through all the smiles and jokes that everyone bantered with each other when I sat down with them. I could also sense similar sadness in their life. It turned out that everyone in the meeting had the same struggles as you and I do. Maybe they were not getting enough sleep. Maybe their nutrition was off. Maybe they just got sacked off. Maybe they started to build a bad habit. Maybe they felt foggy all morning. Maybe they had shit love life. Maybe they had nagging injury that bothered them though the day. Maybe they always dealt with stress. Maybe they sometimes doubted themselves. The thing was, the more I observed the conversation, the more little thing added up to my list.

Sometimes i feel there was too much noise in my head when people were talking at the same time, it’s very annoying. No wonder that I sometimes chose to be alone rather than to connect with people. But a funny thing happened when I tried to connect myself with others. I started to realize that we were all pretty much the same. We all had fears and thoughts that we couldn’t shake out of our heads, beliefs that we stubbornly held on to, and things that kept us awake at night. When I started opening myself up to people, I transcend that crushing loneliness.

Yet, deep down, I am an introvert myself who requires solitudes to recharge – even though, i am just like trees who’s stretching hard just to find light source, I can get a little bent in the trunk and twisted as I take more and more trauma along the way.

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During a quick look in the house, I tried to gather just as many pictures as possible. It felt so strange to see the apartment this empty. But, there was a collision in my mind that woke me up from my daydream whispering that even tough my life was previously being engraved there, i also have to bear in mind that through this emptiness the apartment was actually ready to welcome another new souls to create their chapter of life. And Yes, i also have to continue my life journey.

After finished walking. I then slided my phone into my jeans pocket, put my laptop into my bag, and unplugged the modem. I had packed all my stuffs days before. With bags on my two hands, I started walking down the front door looking for some little marks on the wall to remember for the last time. Just before reaching the end of the corridor, i looked back again to give a little glimpse of goodbye.

Thanks for being the only witness on how I was struggling through a short span of my life.

Thanks for all the memories.

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I loved you.

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By : AP