How?

I know this may come as a shock to literally everyone. But i have suffered from clinical depression and i am not gonna do an akward laugh because there is nothing funny about that.  What is wrong with me is that the accumulation of negative thoughts i have stored inside my mind for years has finally grown into a big pile of overweight burdens now.

I am writing this blog on probably the most comfortable spot in my home right now, my bed – so that i can try to feel a bit ease on writing down my sad feelings here. For years, in case anyone has not noticed yet, deep inside the smiles covering my face, there is a tremendous amount of fear engulfing my soul.

I have been living with depression, a mental illness that makes me feel low all the time which i reckon has happened for years already. It is different from feeling sad – when something you understand makes you feel bad only for a period of time – like when you watch the movie “Hachiko” and it only makes you feel unhappy for the duration of the movie, or maybe when you throw a party and no one turns up – leaving you alone with the food you have prepared hours before and a party horn that sticks in your mouth 🥳. That kind of shit feeling is pretty valid for those particular cases, but the thing is, you know how it happens and you know how you can recover from it.

Depression is.. something else.

Living with it, i feel bad all the time and i know that nobody can help me. Carrying this around everywhere is not that easy, i cannot just make myself feel better even tough i can be “the happiest person in the world” by smiling at people and pretend that life is already good, but still feeling pretty depressed and fucked up inside. It may affects people differently, but based on my experience. I feel like falling into a deep pit hole, where everybody’s hand is out of reach and i am stuck in the cold muddy soil inside the darkness alone. I feel lonely even when i am with friends or families. I have felt numb with all that. I do not even feel sad. I do not even want to cry. At this very moment, if anything bad happens to me again. I do not feel anything at all as my life has completely desaturated.

Every hour, every minute, every second feels so lifeless, I wake up feeling unenergetic, i have no willingness to do anything other than lie lifelessly in bed for hours or sometimes on the floor which is less comfortable and ergonomic. But as i told you..

I don’t feel anything at all.

I totally lose interest in doing what i usually find fun or really care about. Right now, i even start to lose my appetite, which for me is crazy, because food is an important thing in my life. And everything in my mind is completely negative. I feel worthless, like no one likes me. Assuming that everything I want to do will fail and life is just so pointless – all rational thoughts just completely go out the window as if the sun has eclipsed for years and shuts off all of its ray of lights to penetrate into the thick clouds that gives me strength, sunshine and warmth. I am never able to manifest a mutual friend or relationships, i am never able to sit down in the crowds without feeling anxiety kicking in, never even want people to celebrate my birthday – i am meant to be lonely. And the only way I could escape all that is by running away from reality. I would lock myself in my room for days. I would just go off somewhere without telling anybody, even most time, there were moments when i wanted to disappear entirely.

Often, i end up overeating just to distract myself from reality with food (pizza) to fill in the empty tummy and empty head. The dark pit that i fall into? i would love that to be filled with pizzas, so then i could just float to the surface on a wave of cheese and crust and a little happy face when people on top finally see me emerging from darkness.

This challenging situation is holding me back in life, it drives me away from people who care for me. This is not how i am supposed to be and i really want to overcome it. Therefore, i look back at my life, at the things that may have made me this way, try to fix something that i can change and maybe try to accept myself even more.

I am struggling. This is very difficult. I am frustated and tired. I really want to completely unchain myself from this baggage full of burdens that i have been holding onto, and exclaim.

“I dont fucking need you anymore!”.

…. But the question is

How?

by AP